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Jokes 101

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Jokes 101
« on: April 16, 2015, 05:35:26 AM »


1) Dad: Shame on you, Peter. Why did you hit
your little sister? Peter: Well, Daddy, we were
playing Adam and Eve with the apple and all.
Well, instead of tempting me with that apple, she
ate the thing herself!
2) Q: What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before
they got married? A: Feyoncé!!
3) I told my dad to embrace his mistakes. He
cried. Then he hugged my sister & me.
4) I always arrive late at the office, but I make up
for it by leaving early.
5) Daughter: Mom, I’m pregnant! Mom: I thought
I told you when a guy touches your boobs, say
don’t, and when he touches you vagina, say stop.
Daughter: But he kept touching both, so it came
out,”don’t, stop, don’t, stop.
6) Never ask for the ‘High Five’ from a short
person, you can ask for a ‘Low Five’!
7) Question: What does Dumbo do after taking a
photocopy? Answer: He compares it with the
original document for spelling mistakes!
8) It was the end of the school year and Joey’s
mother asked: “And were the exam questions
difficult?” “They weren’t bad at all,” her son
replied. “It was the answers that gave me all the
trouble.”
9) Behind every great man is a woman with a
hostage.
10) Q: What did one butt cheek say to the other?
A: Together, we can stop this sh*t.
11) *boy whispers to his mom during a wedding*
boy: “Mommy?” mom: “What?” boy: “Why is the
girl dressed in white?” mom: “Because this is the
happiest day of her life.” boy: “… so why is the
boy dressed in black?”
12) How do you keep a man from drowning? Get
his wife/gf off his back.
13) Fastest mode of communication – Tell a girl
a rumor and take promise to keep it as a secret.
14) Man: Why are beating your son-in-law so
badly? He replies: I sent hi message that you
have become father but he forwarded this
message to his friends!
15) Boy messages text his Girl “Honey, I can’t live
without you! When you come to me?”Here is the
KILLING Reply -“Who is dying! I lost my saved
numbers, kindly tell me your name?”
16) I thing..Fear Factor would have been much
scarier if it had just been people in their twenties
trying to figure out how to have careers!
17) Photographer: My secret of success is?
‘Think negative’!
18) I have already acted on your memo on saving
power in my department by an immediate ban on
employee empowerment!
19) My teacher pointed at me with her ruler and
said that at the end of this ruler is a dumb. I got
a detention after asking which end!
20) It is better to be late than to arrive ugly!

21) How Bedroom smells after marriages:
22) First 3 months – Perfumes and Flowers!
23) After 12 months – Baby Powder, Cream,
diapers and Lotions!
24) After 7 Years – Balms, Move and pain killers..
25) Make no mistakes. The junior is your biggest
prospect!
25) Wife: If I would have been married to a
Monster, I would have been felt much better than
with you… Man: But marriages are not allowed in
same blood relation!!
26) Just changed my Facebook name to ‘No one’
so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it
will say ‘No one likes this’.
27) My mom never saw the irony in calling me a
son-of-a-bitch.
28) If con is the opposite of pro, it must mean
Congress is the opposite of progress?
29) I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I
am perfect.
30) Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to
their level, and then beat you with experience.
31) Doctor: You’re overweight. Patient: I think I
want a second opinion. Doctor: You’re also ugly
32) I woke up with a dead leg this morning.
That’s the last time I take out a loan with the
mafia.
33) The following text messages were exchanged
on a cold winters day in December.
Wife: “Windows frozen.” Husband: “Pour some
warm water over them.” Wife: “Computer
completely screwed up now.”
34) I asked my wife to let me know next time she
has an orgasm but she said that she doesn’t like
to call me at work.
35) Got approached by a prostitute today who
said that she would do anything for $10. Guess
who just got their car washed?
36) My wife was complaining the other day
saying that I never take her anywhere expensive
anymore. So I said “come on, get in the car we’re
going to the petrol station”
37) My clever friend said that onions are the only
food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut
in his face.
38) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
39) What do you call a Chinese Billionaire?
Cha Ching !
40) Yo mum’s so fat that when she stepped on
the scales it said 1 at a time
41) Q: Why can’t a bike stand on itself? A:
Because It is two tired.
42) Q: Why was six scared of seven? A: Because
seven was a well-known six offender.
43) Q: What do you call a big pile of kittens? A: A
meowntain.
44) Q: How does NASA organize their company
parties? A: They planet.
45) One day a tiger was walking through the
jungle, tiger saw two men relaxing under a tree.
One was reading a newspaper, and the other was
working feverishly on a manual typewriter.
The tiger leapt on the man with the newspaper,
and ate him up. The tiger did not bother the other
man at all. That’s because any predator knows
that readers digest but writers cramp.
46) Nurse: “Doctor, the man you just treated
collapsed on the front step. What should I do?”
Doctor: “Turn him around so it looks like he was
just arriving!
47) A man called a hotel. “How much is a room?”
The clerk said, “It depends on the size of the
room and the number of people.” “Do you take
children?” asked the man. “No, sir,” replied the
clerk. “Only cash and credit cards!”
48) Husband: “Honey, am I the only man you’ve
ever loved?” Wife: “Of course you are! Why do all
men ask me the same question?”
49) 40 is the new 30, try telling that to a speed
camera.
50) Relationships are a much like algebra. Have
you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
51) Girlfriend: “Will you love me after marriage
also?” Her Boyfriend: “This depends on your
husband, if he allows me.”
52) Women are like a Tea Bags, u never know
how strong it is until it’s in hot water.
« Last Edit: April 16, 2015, 05:40:13 AM by Chatbox »

 



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